| in love |
i'm starting to wonder about myself. i'm growing up a little too fast. i always wanted to be alone..just go off on my own. i have since i was four. the sad part of all of this is that the four year old me could have done it much quicker than the me now. the me now doesnt know what she wants, but doesnt mind. the me now doesnt care what others think. the me now tries to love everyone, no matter what they might do to her. the me now finds the world to be beautiful. sometimes i feel like i am transparent. other times if feel completely opaque. i dont know how i felt until a week later when i find myself wishing i would have said something else, anything else. looking up at my ceiling, counting stars. trying to figure out what i should have said, or knowing what would should have been said but...not knowing how the other person would take it. for some reason, the me now isnt much different from the four year old me. lets put aside the apparent. i know i look different, i sound different. blah blah blah, but the girl then loved everyone. she could trust easily. the girl now tries to look past what others have done...and still love. i still tend to trust easily. the girl then was easy to please. the girl now is happy by a pb & j sandwich with grape kool-aid. but...something keeps me here. most people here are shallow and not very accepting of those who are different. those who are beautiful. i hate the way people treat my friends. my last connections to my sanity, and my last loves. i dont mean the goths. i dont mean the geeks. i mean the people who really are original. they are some of the most vibrant people alive, and i do know that is a fact. it has to be those vibrant people. this unknown and undiscovered beauty that stays here until they can leave. until they are able to leave. what they dont know that i do know is that they were ready since birth. acceptance isnt given, it is mass produced. it is brainwashed, just like rejection. these people, these teenagers and adults, sometimes children. i love them with all my heart and they are what keep me here. for this, i love them more. alright. the above made no sense at all. i can get over that my point is that, i am in love. oh god, i am in love. no one ask who, no one ask why. but i am. i am growing up. i am learning. i am trying my hardest not to just slap someone. i try not to feel rage, but when i do...i laugh. i laugh so hard that my sides are bleeding, and tears are pouring from my eyes. and i smile, oh i smile. for those minutes...every thing is ok. the world has completely stopped and everyone is lovely.
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